Rex Ryan Is A Ophiuchus

People have called New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan many things--some too vile to be put in print.  Now you can add Ophiuchus to that list.  It's not as bad a word as it sounds.

New Age freaks and superstitious fools had their world turned upside down the other day when it was revealed that the western version of the Zodiac is wrong and after over 2,000 years of following the twelve astrological signs a new one has popped up--The Serpent Bearer or more formally known as Ophiuchus.   Serpentarian would be better.  It rolls off the tongue easier, but you can't argue with those Babylonians.

Ryan, who blessed this world on a 13th of December, is now one of the many people scrambling to reschedule weddings, change their pre-picked, lucky Lotto numbers or having that giant crab tattoo removed from their back.

Compatible signs are now combustible ones.  "What was your sign?" is the new "What's your sign?"  Destinies have been altered by the earth's gravitational pull.  Even Dionne Warwick is in hiding.

The sign, which comes after Scorpio and before Sagittarius, fills the astrological dates between Nov. 23 and Dec. 17.

Ophiuchus is associated with the healer Asclepius who was skilled at bringing the dead back to life [insert Jets reference here] and originated after Hades was angered by his talent he had Zeus kill old Asclepius with a lightning bolt.  I see fate in the Jets stars. Didn't LaDanian Tomlinson wear a lightning bolt on his helmet at one time?

Ryan is good company with people who now have to change their personality traits and astrological sign to a man grasping a snake because of a wobble in the earth's axis.  Brad Pitt, Brittney Spears and Ozzy Osbourne are all members of the 13th sign.  Even Ryan's nemesis, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, has gone from the ram-headed Aries to a mellower Pisces.

A quick glance at the characteristics of the Ophiuchus seem to show a person who is a good overseer of work and is ambitious, modest and optimistic.  Nice positive attributes but, after more research, the zodiac charts claim the Ophi (short version) wants fame--either grand or misunderstood.  Hmm...sounding a little more like our brash coach.  There's more.

The serpent holder is partial to outrageous behavior, green is an Ophi's lucky color and the No. 12 [Tom Brady?] holds great significance.  It's true.  It's all there on the horoscope chart and, after more delving, we find the Ophiuchus is partial to sweater vests and soft, tiny feet.

Jeanne Dixon, I'm now a believer.