Thursday, March 3, 2011

NFL Lockout Possible at Midnight; Fantasy Footballers in Panic

The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement is set to expire soon at 11:59 p.m. and 18 million individual Fantasy Footballers are looking at a good chance of waking up one morning with the prospect of getting a life.  Never mind the NFL players and owners, it's the virtual competition and imaginary leagues that are important to these Jerry Jones impersonators.

Come a lockout, FFer's can kiss their Draft Day goodbye.  The large foam-core draft board will be void of colored team Post-Its.  All the player rankings, mock drafts, and cheat sheets will be a distant memory of past glory.  For FFer's, Draft Day ranks up there with New Year's, Christmas and the last pre-season game rolled into one.  Now it will be sadder than the Carolina Panthers' chances to make the right first draft pick.

There will be no pools to be won.  No more trading on Tuesdays.  FFer's will speak like normal people.  No ADP's, QBBC's, Studs, Sleepers, or Handcuffing. Trust me, it's even less exciting than it sounds. Even more frightening, they will have to socialize with people outside the virtual FF world when football was once played.

Since the 'Dynasty" and "Salary Cap" leagues weren't created until 1988---a year after the last NFL strike--- the virtual owners and coaches of Fantasy Football haven't had to find other activities to help them cope with a in-season lockout--and a lot of time on their keyboard-calloused fingertips.

Its been forge ahead for 22 years.  Now, unless there is a last-ditch turnaround, it looks like FFer's will have to find other outlets for their pent-up wheeling and dealing.  Maybe that naked virtual 'therapist' would help.

Here are a few suggestions to get those adrenalin-junkie Fantasy Footballers through those long Sunday afternoons and Monday and Thursday nights.

  • Watch reruns of "Two and a Half Men."  Just in case you haven't gotten enough Charlie Sheen yet.
  • Pray MLB extends the playoffs and the World Series is in December.
  • Actually eat Sunday dinner at a dinner table with people.
  • Throw a benefit for your favorite NFL player.  They will be hurting by then and have mortgages and nightclub tabs to pay for.
  • Become a high-school soccer fan.
  • Send phony trade text messages to Carson Palmer and Donovan McNabb.
  • Start a Fantasy CBA league complete with Roger Goodall, owners, NFLPA reps and your favorite lawyers.
  • Use your computers for more constructive pursuits like porn, "Angry Birds," and Rex Ryan foot-fetish videos.

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